I Wasn’t Prepared…

Every September colleges and universities around the country promote “Campus Safety Month” as they welcome in new and returning students. To demonstrate our commitment to this critical issue, the WINGS blog is going to focus on stories of crimes on campus, campus response, and the journey of healing from those crimes. Our first blogger of the month, Pamela, shares her story of domestic violence and rape at the hands of her college boyfriend. We hope it encourages you to speak up and take action if you recognize warning signs or the cycle of abuse.

By Pamela Roberts

I wasn’t prepared…in fact, I was the perfect victim.

He was confident, intelligent, and new exactly how to make me feel special. I was insecure and looked up to my sorority sisters who lived life to the fullest, always at the side of a handsome young man. He quickly swept me off my feet with beautiful letters, flowers, and romance. In retrospect each of his actions were carefully calculated.

Through photos I know that we were dating in late winter of my sophomore year of college. I lived off campus and he lived and attended school in a nearby city. He would sometimes spend the night on my couch.

The warning signs appeared quickly, probably immediately, but I did not recognize them. I remember feeling sick to my stomach often, like when he got into a fist fight and wore an eye patch to one of my formals. He was very jealous and irritable if he felt I spent too much time with others. My life rapidly became intertwined with his and to be honest, I mostly loved his attention in the beginning. I grew up lacking the consistent adoration and attention of a loving daddy. The developing pattern felt familiar to me. One minute I was his everything and the next I was worthless, begging him for forgiveness. For what? I couldn’t have told you.

From the beginning I would not sleep with him. I suppressed a lifetime of sexual abuse and wanted to save myself for my future husband. Initially he was encouraging and proud of my purity but within weeks he was pressuring me nonstop for sex. “It’s not fair!” “I love you! Don’t you love me?”

THE NIGHT stands out clearer than most. We argued for hours about whether or not I loved him and would marry him some day. I remember clearly saying in exacerbation, “I think I might love you but I don’t know if I will marry you!” I left him on the couch and went to sleep in my room. Hours later I awoke to him raping me, breathing in my face, hurting me. I pushed him off and asked if we just had sex. I screamed “I said no! I am ruined!” He shouted “But you love me! If you love me and I love you, we will get married. It is ok!” I sobbed hysterically and ran straight to the shower to make it go away.

I was sure no one would want me now. The good Christian girl died, violently murdered really. He raped me nearly every day for months while I clutched a teddy bear, a gift from one of the honeymoon phases. He terrorized me, accused me of cheating, made me wear trashy clothing, and constantly put me down. I stopped attending classes and got failing grades but nobody noticed. I was isolated, scared, and defeated.

I moved into his frat room during summer break and that was where I was rescued. My unlikely band of heroes may surprise you. A few concerned young fraternity brothers of my abuser approached me when he was away, told me I was a victim of abuse, moved me out, and took me water skiing. I will never forget their compassion and bravery.

Would you do the right thing?

PerpsW 3 (3)

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2 thoughts on “I Wasn’t Prepared…

  1. Pamela, thank you so much for sharing your story! I can’t imagine the horror you went through, but am so thankful for those other guys who showed you that not everyone is as evil as that one person. I also was sexually abused as a child, and suppressed the pain until I could not bear to live any more. This week is Suicide Prevention Week, and my hope is to help remove the stigma associated with suicide and self-injury. Emotionally healthy people do not attempt suicide. There is always something causing the indescribable pain and unbearable burden. Suicidal ideation and self-injury are rather symptoms of a deeply embedded problem that needs much attention and intervention. Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability! I also LOVE the awareness wheels! 🙂

  2. Thank you for your encouragement Carissa! I am so proud of women like you yourself who stand up and advocate for the hurting souls around us.

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